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10 ways to seem interested in the Tour Down Under

Words by Walter Marsh January 19, 2015

The Tour Down Under is back for another year, bringing endless excitement for cycling fans and a lot of trying-not-to-make-eye-contact-with-the-lycra-bulges for everyone else.

We’re all familiar with this magical time of year. Victoria Square has been transformed into a tiny, single-event Olympic Village, our bike lanes are chockers with cyclists of all ages and those weird cars carrying giant fibreglass cyclists can be seen zipping all around the city. Do the crews sleep in there or something? Anyway, we digress.

It can all be a bit overwhelming for the average South Australian. Luckily, we’ve assembled this handy survival guide to help get you into the spirit and make it through the next week without looking like some bike-hating killjoy.

1. Buy a bike helmet to carry around

It’s amazing how the simple act of keeping a helmet tucked under your arm or clipped onto your back pack while running errands around the town will make you look like a fit, radiant bike nerd with none of the committment. If anyone on the bus asks you about it, just say you got a hole in your tyre. Or as cyclists call them, a “puncture”. So easy!

2. Tweet a single photo of an upcoming road closure with hashtags #TDU #excitement

Like so many big city events, the Tour is going to result in a few road closures. Sigh, right? No way! Just remember those brief single-day closures aren’t half as inconvenient as certain other events that require extended shutdown of half the freakin’ city. Turn that minute of inconvenience into an opportunity thanks to social media, just make sure you use whatever hashtag is currently trending. Heck, you might even score a few extra followers from cycling buffs around the world. Maybe.

3. Start wearing that Livestrong wristband you hid in your sock drawer in 2012

After Lance Armstrong’s miraculous tale of one man’s triumph over adversity was revised as one man’s triumph over the logistical difficulties of running an elaborate doping conspiracy, those once-ubiquitous rubber yellow bracelets became about as fashionable as a Kony 2012 t-shirt. But that was literally years ago, people. It’s too late to try and ignore the fact South Australia gave a truckload of money to a man already under quite a bit of investigation by authorities. Like ol’ Lance and that Key to the City of Adelaide he still has physical possession of, we just have to own it.

Livestrong-bracelet

4. Spend a few minutes writing responses to anti-cyclist trolls

Have you ever clicked on a news article about cycling? You won’t believe how much people hate cyclists. Motorists hate cyclists, pedestrians hate cyclists, restaurateurs hate cyclists. Even middle-aged men with equally embarrassing hobbies (You have a News Corp column? Ew) love taking it out on semi-retirees enjoying a coffee after their morning exercise. Jerks, right?

One of the more popular arguments that gets trotted out is that cyclists should pay registration, like any other road vehicle. It’s so they can contribute to road maintenance costs (unlike those taxes they pay), be accountable when they break the law (like riding at the speed limit on the Linear Park trail, outrageous!) and finally give impatient motorists a reason not to overtake at dangerously close distances. It’s pretty easy to do, just register a sweet username like CycleJordan23 or LoisBikeLane and you’re halfway there!

Portlandia-Bike
via BikeForums

5. Procure some cute local wildlife for the entertainment of visiting cyclists

This one’s pretty straightforward. Everyone loves a cuddle with a baby marsupial that’s yet to grow claws or big thumpy feet, and Tour riders are no different. Since Warrawong Sanctuary closed down the ratio of cyclists to local petting zoos is getting mighty unbalanced. While cute joeys or baby koalas can be hard to come by in suburbia, why not chuck a blanket over that curious magpie that eats your scraps and and hot foot it down to the nearest stage finish? He/she won’t appreciate it, but Twitter will.

6. If you’re tall, lend a hand and keep the finish line standing up

Apparently this became an actual thing over the weekend when an inflatable archway near East Terrace accidentally begun deflating, and literally had to be held up by some quick thinking (and lofty) onlookers to avoid flattening the peloton. So if you’re pushing 6′ 10″ but are just a little too lazy to try out for the 36ers, this might be the perfect sporting opportunity for you!

7. Farewell Australian hero Cadel Evans by greeting him at the finish line dressed as his best friend: the Tour De France mascot

Who doesn’t love Cadel Evans, Australia’s perennial Tour de France bridesmaid. Now he’s finally claimed his yellow jersey in 2011, Cuddles is set to throw in the towel after one last victory lap in South Australia, and what better way to send him off than to dress up as his old friend the Tour de France lion. We know how much he loves the guy.

You could even make a day of it by book ending your Tour-watching with a fancy dress party in the evening and an audition in your local amateur theatre group’s production of The Wizard of Oz in the morning.


Images via Cadel Evans / Theatre Costume Shop

8. Make your friends meet up with you in Victoria Square

“Meet me at the Mall’s Balls” might be adequate for the rest of the year, but what could be more exciting than arranging to meet your friends or coffee dates amidst a throng of media and cycling fans? You’ll be instantly swept up in the excitement of the Tour. Better still, as you squint trying to spot your friend among the fray of people, you’ll look just like everyone else jostling to catch a glimpse of their favourite rider trying to sneak into from the TDU Village to the Hilton unaccosted.

9. Nod approvingly at people on the Frome St. bikeway

Remember all that controversy about the Frome St. bikeway? How it became a totes contentious City Council Election issue despite basically the entire council supporting it? Weird! Sure, turning right (for cyclists) or left (for motorists) is still a little awkward, but for this luxurious a riding experience isn’t that a small price to pay? Even if you aren’t a cyclist yourself, simply delivering a knowing nod or wink at any passing cyclist lapping up the decadent metre-wide bike lanes will be more than enough to show your solidarity.

Wide lanes! So luxurious!

10. Just get into it, silly!

But by far the easiest and most rewarding option is to put your misgivings aside and just be genuinely into the Tour Down Under. Y’know, like that famous Nike slogan: Just Go and Accomplish That Goal.

Because ultimately cycling is awesome. It’s less disruptive than other giant events, a convenient form of exercise and transportation and also kind of hilarious. The Tour is also your best opportunity to get enthusiastic about that bike of yours gathering rust in the backyard. After all, drivers are more aware of cyclists on the road when there are so many of them, so you can safely conquer those initial nerves about getting back on your bike. And, unlike the Tour de France, you don’t have to stay up so late you become technically nocturnal just keeping track.

But most of all, think of all the friends you’ll make out there.

Cyclist-mates

Naw.

The Santos Tour Down Under 2015 runs from Saturday January 17 to Sunday January 25.

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