Our left-hand lanes are bursting with makeshift pelotons, we’ve got a giant inflatable bike in Victoria square and there’s been a noticeable bump in public lycra wearing. By the ponytail of Laurent Fignon the Tour Down Under has hit our State, giving cycling nuts something local to froth over and everyone else a chance to look on with mild confusion and the nagging sense they should exercise more.
Cycling continues to be a contentious issue for some reason, and with more folks out on the road there’s a much better chance of tempers flaring, birds being flipped and newsfeeds becoming flooded with angsty diatribes.
So here’s our guide for cyclists, drivers and onlookers alike to surviving the Tour without losing your cool.
1. If you think you’ve got something hilarious to yell at a cyclist from your car, you don’t
“Real men ride women!”
“Pay rego or get off the road!”
“Turn in front of me again and I’ll run you over!”
These are horrible. Don’t be horrible. Also, that last one sounds an awful lot like murder.
Perhaps try:
“Thanks for reducing our city’s carbon footprint!”
“That colour really works on you!”
Or not yelling anything at all, because it’s actually quite distracting and might cause an accident.
2. Don’t run red lights on your bike
Sure, nipping through the odd empty intersection and other little traffic violations might not seem like a big deal, but you’ll only confirm the prejudices of any cantankerous drivers on the road.
You may save a few seconds, but you’ll live on as that person’s sole anecdotal example of all cyclists being jerks forever. And, y’know, it’s the law and all that.
3. Steer clear of all online comment sections
Comment sections can be a painful quagmire at the best of times, but get especially heated at this time of year. Sure ‘Greg from Fullarton’ might have had it up to here with these bloody pushbikes acting like they own the road, but even the most level-headed rebuttal about how actually cyclists do pay tax and often own a car will eventually degenerate into someone being called a Nazi. We can all do better.
Don’t do it! via GIPHY
4. If you’re just getting back on the bike, don’t be afraid to hop up on the footpath
It’s legal now, so rather than finding your feet by wobbling around on the road why not avoid potential scrapes and the likelihood of holding up other traffic? Then when you are ready for the bitumen, it’ll be a breeze.
Just remember you’re on the footpath so use your bell, take it easy and avoid cleaning up pedestrians.
5. BUT if you find yourself dawdling along behind a struggling rider, just be chill
It might be frustrating sitting in your car unable to safely overtake a rider busting their gut up a hill, but just remember A) It’s 35 degrees out there and bike pedals take a darn sight more effort than your accelerator, and B) Every bike on the road is potentially one less car you’re stuck behind at the next traffic logjam.
Same thing also goes for more experienced riders – turn that peloton into a paloton.
6. Be savvy about where you park your bike
There’s nothing more awkward than chaining your bike to a pole without realising it’s in the middle of an adjacent restaurant’s outdoor dining area. It’s probably annoying for the restaurateur, and you’ll look like a damn fool when the time comes to extract the bike. I speak from experience.
Hindley Street, October 2015. Never forget.
7. Resist the urge to use an elaborate doping conspiracy to win the damn thing
Or use the fame you’ve already accrued to swindle a key to the city. Not naming any names…
*cough*
8. Don’t be smug
Whether you’re a year-round rider looking down at your nose at all the fairweather lycra-wearers suddenly dusting off their bikes, or a motorist scoffing at the lineup of carbon-fibre frames and middle aged fellas in lycra grabbing a soy flat white at Cibo, let’s all just tone down the smug factor.
You might think you’re being a Hamm…
… but you’ll probably end up a Clarkson.
9. Remember cyclists are human beings, and so are you
This should be obvious, but given the kind of stuff we’ve seen out of Melbourne this week it can’t hurt to remind everyone that despite wearing silly outfits and being a convenient butt of jokes, cyclists are actually flesh and blood, not some kind of macabre fairground game.
Happy Tour, everyone.
via BikeForums
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10 ways to seem interested in the Tour Down Under
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Main image:
BMX Bandits / Umbrella Entertainment
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