You’re not at work today. Tuesday is Australia Day, a public holiday, and by taking today off, you’ve snagged yourself a four day weekend. Well done you.

However, come Wednesday you’re going to have to produce a credible excuse as to why you took today off. You could say you were sick, but when all the photos of you downing tinnies and frolicking in Australian Flag Swimwear hit Facebook, you’ll be hard-pressed to explain your astounding return to health.

Here, for your convenience, are the best excuses to explain why you took today off.

1. Extreme patriotism

You love your country so much that you believe one Australia Day just isn’t enough. It was a duty to this great nation that you took today off, and devoted a four day weekend to your love of country.

A warning: this excuse will work better for some bosses than others. Ask yourself: does my boss have a Southern Cross tattoo? If so, you’re in the clear. If, however, your boss scoffs while reading The Australian or has ever used the expression ‘Survival Day’, we recommend you pick one of our other options.

2. My house was crushed by a giant runaway inflatable waterslide

This excuse usually sounds far-fetched but there’s a unique opportunity today to cash in, for last Friday this:

Fortuitously became this:

Glenelg’s Big Wedgie waterslide blows away in fierce #Adelaide weather https://t.co/QeQUskPbHW pic.twitter.com/eJdrfWLYrV

— The Advertiser (@theTiser) January 22, 2016

3. Injury

Injury trumps sickness as a workplace excuse any time. For one thing, an injury usually invokes pity and tends to make you sound tough - like you landed a bit funny while basejumping, or came off your BMX while chucking a sick wheelie. An unspecified illness on the other hand might cause others to feel mildly uncomfortable that you might be incubating an infectious lurgy around the water cooler.

You’re going to have to really commit if you decide to fake an injury. Think up an entertaining story, and be prepared to limp around the office for a few days. Also, pick a place to be injured such that you will not be asked to show visual evidence of your injury. E.g. ‘Oh, I’m sorry that I don’t feel comfortable showing you my wound. It’s just that it is on my bottom/genitalia/under several layers of gauze’.

4. Bob Hawke told me I could stay home and mistakenly I thought his boozy Prime Ministerial decrees had legal weight

If your boss doesn’t accept this excuse, he’s a bum. Or has a better understanding of how the Executive works in a Westminster-style Government.

5. Personal reasons

‘Personal reasons’ could mean almost anything, from some kind of calamitous breakup to a really important eBay delivery that needs to be signed for. Or it could mean that you, personally, reasoned that you wanted to take a four day weekend.

Our increasingly thoughtful and tolerant work places almost never inquire as to what your ‘personal reasons’ are. If the boss tries to pry, say that personal means personal, and threaten to go to the Ombudsman.

via GIPHY

6. Family reasons

‘Family reasons’ never ends up meaning something fun, like ‘a reunion’ or ‘a game of Monopoly that went for three days’. It almost always means something very bad happened, and you will probably not get any questions.

If, however, you have to give a reason, go with…

7. I had to go to a funeral

If there’s one thing sitcoms (and last year’s TropFest winners) have taught us, it’s that you must not specify which fake family member has died. You’ll be left struggling to remember which family member it was, and explain how they went, and have to live out a zany lie for the rest of your time at the job. Just say, ‘a funeral’ and then look very sad.

8. I started watching a Netflix series on Sunday night and when I checked the time it was already Tuesday

Sometimes, people can handle the truth. Maybe if you’re really honest with your boss about the Netflix vortex you got stuck in, they’ll reward you for your honesty?

If it goes badly and you get the sack, at least you’ll have more time for Netflix.

9. The dog ate my homework

A classic excuse in school, “the dog ate my homework” is even better for the grown-up workplace. This time however, instead of focusing on the absence of the homework (it will be suspicious that you as an adult are still saying “homework”) focus on your dog, who is now, in your story, very sick after eating your notebook/hard-drive. People love dogs, and will actually be much more sympathetic to a story about your sick dog, than a story about a sick you.

Case in point: fans are more emotionally attached to Fry’s dog, who was a minor character in one episode of the show, than they are to any of the human (or alien) characters in the rest of the entire series.

10. Pretend that you actually came in to work

Chances are that your boss is also taking today off work. On Wednesday, go on the offensive and ask THEM where THEY were on Monday, and question THEIR commitment. It could backfire, or you could land yourself a promotion. Either way, it will be spectacular.

It might also be worth recruiting a co-conspirator in the office to act as each other’s false alibis.

via GIPHY

11. Have a legitimate excuse

Conversely, this is perhaps the worst day of the year to actually be unable to come to work precisely because every other dickhead who fancies an extra sleep in and will use up all your bosses’ goodwill by trotting out any of the above excuses that may actually apply to you.

So, err, sorry.

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