Recently, the iPhone game Drizzy Tears has gone viral online. In the game, you get points for drying Drake‘s tears, because he’s a lovely, sensitive man.

It turns out there are a heap of other Drake themed games available on the iPhone which range from ‘interesting’ to ‘simply awful’. We downloaded all of them, and recorded our thoughts:

♫ You used to call me on my cell phone, but now you can’t because you used up all your battery playing Drake themed games ♫

Award Clicker – Fun Drizzy Tap Game Free

In this game every time you tap the screen you win a Grammy. The goal is to win a certain number of awards within the time limit, meaning, essentially, you just have to tap the screen really fast. It’s ‘about’ Drake only in the sense that he is on the screen while you’re tapping. No matter how many awards you win though, he never gets happier. Award Clicker – Fun Drizzy Tap Game Free  is either an insightful commentary on the vapidity of success, or a really crappy game.

Drizzy Epic Hip Hop Party – Yeet Edition

I hate to disappoint, but this game is neither epic, nor about a hip hop party. I’m not sure who Yeet is, or how he fits into the game. You play Drake who is, inexplicably, trying to demolish a skyscraper by kicking it. If you can figure that out by reading the game’s opening screen, you’re doing better than me.

At least Drizzy Epic Hip Hop Party – Yeet Edition, unlike Award Clicker – Fun Drizzy Tap Game Free, is actually a game. You’ve got to choose which side of the building to kick, because in a bizarre architectural decision there are floors which jut out to the side, and will clobber your noggin on the way down. Also, you have to keep at a brisk pace, because there’s a timer constantly ticking down.

Started from the bottom now we still at the bottom.

Eyebrow Plucking

Most of us will never actually pluck Drake’s eyebrows. It’s a cruel world. Luckily, somebody invented Eyebrow Plucking, where you can live out a virtual simulation of your very-normal fantasy.

Regrettably, the controls are quite hard to use. You don’t so much ‘pluck’ the eyebrows, as drag the eyebrow plucker over them. There’s a makeup brush that you can use to draw new eyebrows, but it doesn’t really work. There is the option of applying ear/nose/eyebrow rings, but they don’t look especially realistic.

It took hours of effort to be this legible, but here’s our ‘meta’ eyebrow job:

Splatty Drizzy

Splatty Drizzy is, by far, the worst game on this list. Not because of the game itself (in which you catch falling Drake-heads in a sack with a dollar sign on it), but because it’s got so many ads it crosses the threshold from ‘annoying’ to ‘evil’.

Ads actually pop up onto the screen as you’re in the middle of the game, so that you have no choice but to press them. Other ads appear right when you’re pressing the button to close a different ad. It’s horrific, and mitigated only by the clever double meaning of the game. In two senses, they’re using Drake’s image to fill up a bag of money. Bravo, and go to hell, Splatty Drizzy.

We bet somewhere Kanye West is getting very angry after downloading the game before letting North West have a spin on his phone.

 

Fuck any game company that puts in-app purchases on kids games!!!

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) October 10, 2015

Flying Drizzy #YOLO Edition

Did you love Flappy Bird?  Then you might be able to tolerate, for a few minutes, Flying Drizzy #YOLO Edition. Just to let you know, there isn’t an easier, #YOLST (you only live several times) edition.

Flying Drizzy #YOLO Edition is even harder than the notoriously difficult Flappy Bird on which it was modeled, because it’s broken. You hit Drake’s head on the pipes even when you’re a mile away from them. It’s so frustrating you’ll want to smash your own head on a pipe.

Jumpy Drizzy

As far as I can tell, Drake doesn’t know how to skateboard, either in real life or in Jumpy Drizzy. Maybe the horrible controls are some sort of deconstructionist statement – like, that Drake doesn’t skate in real life, so this is a game where you play him skating, and so he can’t skate there either?

But then what’s the explanation for the horrible artwork? And the horrible level design?

Drake Shake

Drake Shake is, actually, lots of fun. You take a photo, like so:

And then you shake the phone – and a wild Drake appears!

If you keep shaking the phone, you get different photos of Drake. Also, you can move him around the screen and make him bigger and smaller. As far as Drake-related-apps go, this one’s the best I ever had.

Hotline Swing

Hotline Swing looks better as a screenshot than it actually is, but man, what a screenshot!

Now that you’ve seen the screenshot, there’s really nothing to be gained by actually playing the game. It’s sort of like pong, if pong wasn’t fun. Also, wouldn’t it have made sense to put Drake on the top end of the screen so that he was, you know, looking at the ball?

Drizzy Tears

By far the best game about Drake on iPhone.

You have to wipe up the tears before they hit the ground, or it’s game over. It’s quite difficult too. Drake is an especially sensitive guy. The real star of the game, however, is the parody Drake songs. Much like in real life, comforting somebody is a real drag. You can skip straight to the jams, as the entire soundtrack has been uploaded to Soundcloud.

More you might like:

Watch Sufjan Stevens cover Drake’s ‘Hotline Bling’
Bangs diss track destroys Eminem, Drake, Meek Mill
Madonna planted a kiss on Drake and he recoiled in horror